No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
