im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
