Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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