So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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