I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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