i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just high enough for therapy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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