Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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