Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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