who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
