I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
