The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
