To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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