I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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