I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
