theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
