Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sarcasm needs its own font
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
