Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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