I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
