my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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