I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
