You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize