all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize