I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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