hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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