my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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