You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize