Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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