I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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