1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
