thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
