Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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