before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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