hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
