Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
