I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
