I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
