ya dads aren't the best wingmen
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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