Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
