Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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