I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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