Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
