By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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