Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize