sarcasm needs its own font
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
