you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
