I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
