I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
