i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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