there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
