Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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