he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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