Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize