You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ladies don't puke and tell
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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