I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
