You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize