you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
