i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
